Good Gifts

When it comes to other people's lives, I am the ultimate optimist & encourager. When it comes to my own life, I struggle to believe that God wants to give good gifts. Recently I was at an InterVarsity conference for artists. It was WONDERFUL! It was so great to be in a community of people that was so open, loving, and real. It was also a wonderful freedom for me as an artist...a freedom just to be.

I went into the conference with great anticipation. It seemed clear that God had a purpose and plan for me to be there and he had called me to fast just before the conference started, so I knew He was up to something. At first, being immersed in a community of artists was like being in a new culture, but soon I loved it. We began the conference talking about what it means to be authentic as an artist. For me, it spoke beyond just me as an artist, but God was at work in me as an artist, too. I began to feel God's call to bring the artist in me into things...and slowly, but steadily I began to get more and more frustrated as the week went on...and then I got angry.

At this point you might be thinking, "whoa. wait. what just happened." Good question. It took me a while to figure it out too. As I processed & prayed I realized I was upset about God doing so many things in my life at once and I didn't understand how they all fit together. I felt pressure to choose between the good things God had been doing in my life (staff work, a relationship, and the art stuff) because I didn't understand why he was doing them all at the same time. Eventually I realized it was a distrust of God. I didn't trust that all these things and His timing good be good gifts. (and this distrust was not something new). Eventually I decided, okay, I'm going to choose to believe that all these things are good gifts and continue moving forward, trusting God to show me the way. Then God revealed another element...

I shared this experience with a staff friend of mine and he and I prayed. During this prayer time I realized my posture towards God was one of closed hands. I didn't want to receive gifts from God...for some reason I was afraid to. That afternoon I attended a modern dance workshop where we did a form of dancing prayer. I was in a group of four people: one person was the one being prayed for and the other three people represented the Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. Basically, you couldn't talk during the few minutes you were praying for each person, you could only express your prayer through movement. So, I started the prayer with my fists closed and the other three people tried to express and interact with me the prayer that was on their hearts for me. I kept wanting 'God' to open my hands, but they weren't.

THEN IT HIT ME. If I wanted me hands to be open, I had to open them. God wasn't going to force my hands open, I had to be willing to open them to receive.

God, continue to help me understand why it's so difficult to open my hands to receive your good gifts and give me the courage to open my hands. In Jesus' name, Amen.