What is this journey of life?
Where does it end, where does it begin?
I walked so far as I knew I could, walking and walking
then a door opened to me, dare I to go in?
One side a treadmill to fall again, and in the same place again, and in the same place again,
the other side so unkown, but with promises so sweet as I could imagine to taste
different than on the treadmill path, more vibrant of flavors
A lump now formed in my throat, my eyes moving back & forth, the choice was mine
One path a dreaded familiar, the other required more of me than I’d ever known, but promises of helping hand awaited
And so forth I stepped onto the unfamiliar path, where pain & emotion awaited I had never known
Or let myself know
But as I was welcomed forth I forged new ground of heart & soul, that little by little sweet tastes of freedom released
Freedom not earned or grown, but known as was always meant to be
Sometimes there were falls or slip of foot, mine eyes taken off the light, but never did I turn back, each sweet morsel of freedom a memory which propelled me onward.
What is this journey of life?
Where does it end, where does it begin?
This path I have chosen has turned out to be like a blooming rose, opening up more and more, and suddenly I find little tastes of heaven, little gifts of goodness I didn’t ever think could be given me, nor could I accept for fear of mishandling them
But the Giver says, this was always meant for you, a little now, and fulfillment later
Accept my good gifts, trust what you do not know and what you know, for from me flows the fountain of life
What is this journey of life?
Where does it end, where does it begin?
Complexities of life, not often meant to be understood, but stored away until one day when truth is revealed
I will not let it hinder me now, but live and love and trust
My Maker holds his hand to me, walk with me daughter, trust me I know thy way
In rest and contentment I take His hand
In, around, through this journey of life
He knows the way
Friday, June 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sacrifice :: Growing Up
On Sunday I attended a church while visiting my brother in Slidell, LA. The series was about spiritual disciplines, and the topic was 'sacrifice'. On Monday I opened up my devotional book and the topic of the day was, "the necessity of sacrifice". Coincidence? Not usually with God. Anxiety ensued. If you read my previous post about good gifts, part of the reason I'm afraid to receive good gifts from God is because I don't trust myself with them. I'm afraid I'll either lose them, break them, or let them become an idol and so God will have to take them away. So...anxiety began to bubble up because my first mental jump was that God was going to take away some good gift he had given me because I was doing something wrong.
Wow. My picture of God can be so skewed sometimes. I continued to be anxious for the rest of the day and eventually talked with one of my friends that night. As I talked with her, I was able to verbalize the fear and God was able to speak truth. It's funny how truth can cut through fear & anxiety. God made it clear that He is going to be asking me to sacrifice things, but He's speaking about a discipline of sacrifice, not my greatest fear of taking away the good gifts I'm just now learning to accept from Him.
God has work to do in that area of fear, and obviously there's a journey He's going to take me on to teach me about making sacrifice a regular part of my walk with Him, and I'm thankful for both because I know one will take me deeper into healing and the other will take me further into sanctification and letting go of 'treasure here on earth'.
::
What's clear in both the things God is doing in the area of receiving good gifts and with the pieces about sacrifice is that God is bringing me into a new level of maturity. He's asking me to start stepping into & past places of fear so that I can move forward as His disciple. Fear has so long paralyzed me, but He has brought and is bringing me into a place where I can move through that to the other side...all because He's shown Himself trustworthy and faithful.
Part of this came out of being at the artists' conference. While there, they talked a lot about authenticity and part of being authentic as an artist means developing your gift and being good at whatever your craft is. So far, I have just coasted on my natural giftings because I've been afraid to step out and develop my gifts for fear of failure. Now that I see that fear for what it is, and God is bigger. My desire to become more of who God has made me to be is greater than the fear because God is greater...and as long as my eyes are locked on Him, I won't sink. (Mt. 14:30)
Jesus, I pray that you would increase my faith, so that as I accept your invitation out of the boat onto the water, I wouldn't doubt, but keep my eyes locked on you. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Wow. My picture of God can be so skewed sometimes. I continued to be anxious for the rest of the day and eventually talked with one of my friends that night. As I talked with her, I was able to verbalize the fear and God was able to speak truth. It's funny how truth can cut through fear & anxiety. God made it clear that He is going to be asking me to sacrifice things, but He's speaking about a discipline of sacrifice, not my greatest fear of taking away the good gifts I'm just now learning to accept from Him.
God has work to do in that area of fear, and obviously there's a journey He's going to take me on to teach me about making sacrifice a regular part of my walk with Him, and I'm thankful for both because I know one will take me deeper into healing and the other will take me further into sanctification and letting go of 'treasure here on earth'.
::
What's clear in both the things God is doing in the area of receiving good gifts and with the pieces about sacrifice is that God is bringing me into a new level of maturity. He's asking me to start stepping into & past places of fear so that I can move forward as His disciple. Fear has so long paralyzed me, but He has brought and is bringing me into a place where I can move through that to the other side...all because He's shown Himself trustworthy and faithful.
Part of this came out of being at the artists' conference. While there, they talked a lot about authenticity and part of being authentic as an artist means developing your gift and being good at whatever your craft is. So far, I have just coasted on my natural giftings because I've been afraid to step out and develop my gifts for fear of failure. Now that I see that fear for what it is, and God is bigger. My desire to become more of who God has made me to be is greater than the fear because God is greater...and as long as my eyes are locked on Him, I won't sink. (Mt. 14:30)
Jesus, I pray that you would increase my faith, so that as I accept your invitation out of the boat onto the water, I wouldn't doubt, but keep my eyes locked on you. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Good Gifts
When it comes to other people's lives, I am the ultimate optimist & encourager. When it comes to my own life, I struggle to believe that God wants to give good gifts. Recently I was at an InterVarsity conference for artists. It was WONDERFUL! It was so great to be in a community of people that was so open, loving, and real. It was also a wonderful freedom for me as an artist...a freedom just to be.
I went into the conference with great anticipation. It seemed clear that God had a purpose and plan for me to be there and he had called me to fast just before the conference started, so I knew He was up to something. At first, being immersed in a community of artists was like being in a new culture, but soon I loved it. We began the conference talking about what it means to be authentic as an artist. For me, it spoke beyond just me as an artist, but God was at work in me as an artist, too. I began to feel God's call to bring the artist in me into things...and slowly, but steadily I began to get more and more frustrated as the week went on...and then I got angry.
At this point you might be thinking, "whoa. wait. what just happened." Good question. It took me a while to figure it out too. As I processed & prayed I realized I was upset about God doing so many things in my life at once and I didn't understand how they all fit together. I felt pressure to choose between the good things God had been doing in my life (staff work, a relationship, and the art stuff) because I didn't understand why he was doing them all at the same time. Eventually I realized it was a distrust of God. I didn't trust that all these things and His timing good be good gifts. (and this distrust was not something new). Eventually I decided, okay, I'm going to choose to believe that all these things are good gifts and continue moving forward, trusting God to show me the way. Then God revealed another element...
I shared this experience with a staff friend of mine and he and I prayed. During this prayer time I realized my posture towards God was one of closed hands. I didn't want to receive gifts from God...for some reason I was afraid to. That afternoon I attended a modern dance workshop where we did a form of dancing prayer. I was in a group of four people: one person was the one being prayed for and the other three people represented the Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. Basically, you couldn't talk during the few minutes you were praying for each person, you could only express your prayer through movement. So, I started the prayer with my fists closed and the other three people tried to express and interact with me the prayer that was on their hearts for me. I kept wanting 'God' to open my hands, but they weren't.
THEN IT HIT ME. If I wanted me hands to be open, I had to open them. God wasn't going to force my hands open, I had to be willing to open them to receive.
God, continue to help me understand why it's so difficult to open my hands to receive your good gifts and give me the courage to open my hands. In Jesus' name, Amen.
I went into the conference with great anticipation. It seemed clear that God had a purpose and plan for me to be there and he had called me to fast just before the conference started, so I knew He was up to something. At first, being immersed in a community of artists was like being in a new culture, but soon I loved it. We began the conference talking about what it means to be authentic as an artist. For me, it spoke beyond just me as an artist, but God was at work in me as an artist, too. I began to feel God's call to bring the artist in me into things...and slowly, but steadily I began to get more and more frustrated as the week went on...and then I got angry.
At this point you might be thinking, "whoa. wait. what just happened." Good question. It took me a while to figure it out too. As I processed & prayed I realized I was upset about God doing so many things in my life at once and I didn't understand how they all fit together. I felt pressure to choose between the good things God had been doing in my life (staff work, a relationship, and the art stuff) because I didn't understand why he was doing them all at the same time. Eventually I realized it was a distrust of God. I didn't trust that all these things and His timing good be good gifts. (and this distrust was not something new). Eventually I decided, okay, I'm going to choose to believe that all these things are good gifts and continue moving forward, trusting God to show me the way. Then God revealed another element...
I shared this experience with a staff friend of mine and he and I prayed. During this prayer time I realized my posture towards God was one of closed hands. I didn't want to receive gifts from God...for some reason I was afraid to. That afternoon I attended a modern dance workshop where we did a form of dancing prayer. I was in a group of four people: one person was the one being prayed for and the other three people represented the Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. Basically, you couldn't talk during the few minutes you were praying for each person, you could only express your prayer through movement. So, I started the prayer with my fists closed and the other three people tried to express and interact with me the prayer that was on their hearts for me. I kept wanting 'God' to open my hands, but they weren't.
THEN IT HIT ME. If I wanted me hands to be open, I had to open them. God wasn't going to force my hands open, I had to be willing to open them to receive.
God, continue to help me understand why it's so difficult to open my hands to receive your good gifts and give me the courage to open my hands. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)