Simple

Over Thanksgiving I received an amazing gift. A gift I didn't expect, but one that fundamentally changes things. A gift from Jesus. A gift of truth.

3 years ago, God invited me into a process. He called me out of hiding & denying. He invited me to share my whole heart with Him and to receive healing & freedom from bondage. The process has been painful but I wouldn't go back. Somewhere along the way though, the Deceiver slithered his way in and baited me with a lie...which I bit, hook, line & sinker. The lie was this: You can't escape your past. It defines who you are.

It's a common belief that we are products of our past, and in part, it's true that our past influences us, but that's not the whole truth. In Christ it doesn't matter what our past was like: what we did or what others did to us. It doesn't matter because in Christ we are forgiven & set free. If we want to know how to define ourselves, there is a truth that hasn't changed for thousands of years found in Scripture. It's the truth of who God is and who we are because of who He is.

How do I know I don't have to be defined by my past anymore? That I don't have to dredge it up to try and figure out why I did x,y, or z? Because He told me so:

"My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." (Song of Solomon 2:11-13)

How many times have I read this scripture and never did I see it the way Jesus spoke to me just the other day. He was saying to me, Morgan, look! The past is over, I am calling you out to be with me. Stop trying to stay in the winter. It's over and gone. Come with me into spring-time, into freedom from the winter.

The gospel is so profoundly simple: I am dark because of sin. I am lovely because of Him. Though darkness is a fact, it doesn't define me. He does & in Him I have victory over the darkness.

Jesus, thank you that in you I am set free from the law of sin and death. Let nothing define me but you. As I seek you, help me to come into the knowledge of the truth of who you are and who you say I am. I pray this for all of those who call on your name, that they might come to understand this truth and live in the freedom that is already theirs in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Thought of the day #2

I need to stop striving to be significant and realize that I am apart from anything I ever do.

It used to be that I put my identity in things I could be accepted or recognized for. I wanted to be good at something...I wanted someone to notice.

I don't put my identity in that anymore on a consistent basis, but I am a forgetful creature. I still stumble, I still struggle because I'm not yet fully renewed, but am being renewed day by day. I still struggle with wanting to be known, wanting to be speical. I search and strive for it still sometimes and become defensive when someone tries to take it away...

Until the offer is better, and the True offer is better. Because the True offer, when taken, gives me acceptance apart from anything I could ever do. I am significant because He created me. I have purpose because He created me.

He holds my life in His hands, and that brings a comfort it never used to. It stills my striving & worrisome heart, bringing it to rest & to peace. Amen.

Thought of the day...

I need to stop apologizing for being me.

what image am I bearing?

For months now I've felt empty. On the outside I've been doing all the right thing and saying the things that I think I'm supposed to, but on the inside, I've just been...empty. I know that part of this is because I spent 6 weeks trying to be someone I wasn't. I was trying to be my head's version of a "good staff worker" instead of being a staff worker out of who God has created me to be.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:15-16)

Before God created the world, he had me in mind. He knew what I would look like down to the number of hairs on my head, who my parents would be, that I would be born 1,985 years after Christ's birth, and that I would have the heart of an artist. He had a plan in mind for my life before I was a figment in anyone's imagination but His. And part of His plan was that I would be an InterVarsity staff worker at Coe College in Cedar Rapids, IA.

At this point, you might be asking, "why did she just say all that?" Here's why. 1 Corinthians 12:21 says, " The eye cannot say tot he hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" God designed each one of us uniquely, but even more amazingly, He created us so that we would all complement each other. We all need each other's gifts at any given time or in any given place. This is something I had forgotten.

I struggle with wanting approval. For the longest time in my life I would become whatever I thought I needed to be in order to get approval. Occasionally (and more frequently) I find places where I am able to be my true self (the self God intended me to be), whether because that is what is called for by those around me, or when people call it out of me. The thing is, all that time I was trying to be something I wasn't, I was actually sinning against God. Why?

Well, God created us in His image and to bring glory to himself. I am created in some unique way to be an image bearer of God. Some of that I learn from sanctification, but some of it is inherently a part of me. I can't ever be exactly the same as someone else. It's impossible (trust me, I've tried. It's excruciating). When we try, we lose life God intended for us. We're living a lie. We also fail to bring glory to God because we're not being or doing the very thing(s) God created us for that bring glory to Him.

Today someone said to me, "When you smile & have joy, you radiate. I saw that today, but lately I haven't seen it in you. Has something been going on in your life?"

The answer is, yes. I've forsaken myself and my God. Why? Because I let myself believe that who I am isn't good. And I want so desparately to be good!...to be approved. In the process life leaked out of me in great measures and what I offered to those around me was an empty shell instead of radiant life.

I will return to You my God. And find my life once again in You. Fill me up. Give me a drink only You can give: one of living water. Fill me up so that I can overflow Your life to those around me and feel again what everlasting life and joy is like. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Moving Forward

Initially I started this blog as a statement of entering a new phase with the Lord and considered the title an appropriate tag for that new phase, but as I sat here looking at it tonight, I realized it's more than that. This next phase is about moving forward, too. It's about running to the edge, jumping off, and diving headlong into the deep water below, knowing full well the risks it will entail...

It makes me think of a quote from C.S. Lewis,

"He comes down; down from the heights of absolute being into time and space, down into humanity; down further still, . . . to the very roots and seabed of the Nature He has created. But He goes down to come up again and bring the whole ruined world up with Him.

[He is like a] diver, first reducing himself to nakedness, then glancing in mid-air, then gone with a splash, vanished, rushing down through green and warm water into black and cold water, down through increasing pressure into the death-like region of ooze and slime and old decay; then up again, back to colour and light, his lungs almost bursting, till suddenly he breaks surface again, holding in his hand the dripping, precious thing that he went down to recover."

Jesus, let me not lose courage as I leep from the cliff or as I dive deeper & deeper fearing loss of breath. You are my breath of life, the true vine. And as I go deeper, help me to bring others along with me, into the depths of life with you...and when the time comes, let us surface with the very precious thing you sent us down for: life.

Security

A picture of security is not one of holding tight-fisted and white-knuckled to the air, nor is it clutching for things that are just out of reach. Security, instead is contentment that comes from standing open-handed before the Living and faithful God, putting my trust and faith in Him.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today...The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Exodus 14:13,14

Our posture before God is critical. In so many ways I've been standing before God with fists closed to what He wants to give, clutching tightly to things that have as much substance as the air. They are insubstantial because they aren't the only One who is substantial. The One who is the source of all substance. There's a song that has the lyrics, "He gives and takes away", and previous to now my posture before God was one of often refusing the things He has wanted give or trying to hold onto the things He has taken away.

Francesca Batistelli had a song I've listened to on my ipod many times and the lyrics ring true, "I'm letting go...to live what I believe." As a Christian, God calls us to trust Him whole-heartedly, to trust in His provision, guidance, timing...and in order to really do that, I must let go of trying to secure my own life.

Security....is contentment that comes from standing open-handed before the living and faithful God, putting my faith & trust in Him.

gazing into His eyes

I've been reading through old journal entries & I came upon this image that I had in prayer a couple years ago:

"Abba, thanks for being here with me in this place. Thanks for being present in a way I’ve never felt you before. There’s so much I could get distracted by, whether it be Christmas, my family, trying to make a decision...but if I look past all that, in the midst of all those distractions there is one thing that doesn’t move. You. I can imagine myself on the outside of an ice skating rink, all these people skating by who represent all these different things I could get distracted by...but when I look up & past all that, I lock eyes with your gaze, and I start to move towards you. All these things & people are skating past me as I move forward, but I’m unphased And as I draw closer, you reach out your hand to me & I reach out and take it. For a moment, I simply gaze into your eyes. You see me in a way no one else does. Then...we dance. Though I don’t know how to skate, you take the lead, and my footing is sure as we dance & twirl & move swiftly across the ice, my focus not being drawn from You. In You I know peace, joy, freedom, & confidence I know nowhere else."

trying to open a closed door

God has placed a lot of open doors in my life recently, and that has been good. Recently, however, I have encountered a closed door, and apparently I forgot what that means because I keep trying to open. I want to open it because in the past it has been an open door that has helped to secure my future, and I really want it to be there...but no matter how hard I try, it's not opening...and yet I keep trying. Isn't that the definition of insanity - to keep trying something expecting a different result? I keep expecting the door to open, but the truth is, I don't think it will. I think I need to give up & start focusing my energy where it might actually make a difference...

Lord, help me to heed your guidance, turning my eyes away from the obvious dead end that I have encountered, and in the process help my trust in you to grow. In Jesus' name, amen.

a white rock, a promise, and a new name

Today I went for a walk and I picked up a sparkly white rock. I was going for the walk because I just needed some time to be outside, to pray, to think... God is the master weaver and at different times of our life, He starts the work of weaving different sections together. He's been doing that in my life and it's been difficult to trust Him because I can't see the bigger tapestry...(good thing faith is an important part of this journey). As I was walking & praying about this very topic, I looked down at the rock and thought about Revelation 2:17 where it talks about how Jesus will give us a new name. I've always thought that name would have a meaning encompassing who we are to become, kind of like when Jesus renamed Simon to Peter. That name was prophetic to who he was going to become. As I thought about where I'm at in my journey with the Lord, how He's calling me out and into more of who He's created me to be...and the rock in my hand reminded of the promise that I have a new name. It gave me courage to remember that promise because all of what He's calling me to be is already there inside of me...and He's set up the circumstances which will help me to embrace it, walk in it...

And I had to smile later because when I tried to put those thoughts into a concise 'thought' for my Facebook status, I came up with the above title, but realized people might mistakenly believe I had gotten engaged. I smiled because of how it connects with the idea of being the bride of Christ...coincidence? I don't think so.

:)

Lord Jesus, thank you for your promise and your sacrifice that will allow me to one day stand before you as your pure and spotless bride.

Giver Maker

What is this journey of life?
Where does it end, where does it begin?
I walked so far as I knew I could, walking and walking
then a door opened to me, dare I to go in?
One side a treadmill to fall again, and in the same place again, and in the same place again,
the other side so unkown, but with promises so sweet as I could imagine to taste
different than on the treadmill path, more vibrant of flavors
A lump now formed in my throat, my eyes moving back & forth, the choice was mine
One path a dreaded familiar, the other required more of me than I’d ever known, but promises of helping hand awaited
And so forth I stepped onto the unfamiliar path, where pain & emotion awaited I had never known
Or let myself know
But as I was welcomed forth I forged new ground of heart & soul, that little by little sweet tastes of freedom released
Freedom not earned or grown, but known as was always meant to be
Sometimes there were falls or slip of foot, mine eyes taken off the light, but never did I turn back, each sweet morsel of freedom a memory which propelled me onward.

What is this journey of life?
Where does it end, where does it begin?
This path I have chosen has turned out to be like a blooming rose, opening up more and more, and suddenly I find little tastes of heaven, little gifts of goodness I didn’t ever think could be given me, nor could I accept for fear of mishandling them
But the Giver says, this was always meant for you, a little now, and fulfillment later
Accept my good gifts, trust what you do not know and what you know, for from me flows the fountain of life

What is this journey of life?
Where does it end, where does it begin?
Complexities of life, not often meant to be understood, but stored away until one day when truth is revealed
I will not let it hinder me now, but live and love and trust
My Maker holds his hand to me, walk with me daughter, trust me I know thy way
In rest and contentment I take His hand
In, around, through this journey of life
He knows the way

Sacrifice :: Growing Up

On Sunday I attended a church while visiting my brother in Slidell, LA. The series was about spiritual disciplines, and the topic was 'sacrifice'. On Monday I opened up my devotional book and the topic of the day was, "the necessity of sacrifice". Coincidence? Not usually with God. Anxiety ensued. If you read my previous post about good gifts, part of the reason I'm afraid to receive good gifts from God is because I don't trust myself with them. I'm afraid I'll either lose them, break them, or let them become an idol and so God will have to take them away. So...anxiety began to bubble up because my first mental jump was that God was going to take away some good gift he had given me because I was doing something wrong.

Wow. My picture of God can be so skewed sometimes. I continued to be anxious for the rest of the day and eventually talked with one of my friends that night. As I talked with her, I was able to verbalize the fear and God was able to speak truth. It's funny how truth can cut through fear & anxiety. God made it clear that He is going to be asking me to sacrifice things, but He's speaking about a discipline of sacrifice, not my greatest fear of taking away the good gifts I'm just now learning to accept from Him.

God has work to do in that area of fear, and obviously there's a journey He's going to take me on to teach me about making sacrifice a regular part of my walk with Him, and I'm thankful for both because I know one will take me deeper into healing and the other will take me further into sanctification and letting go of 'treasure here on earth'.

::

What's clear in both the things God is doing in the area of receiving good gifts and with the pieces about sacrifice is that God is bringing me into a new level of maturity. He's asking me to start stepping into & past places of fear so that I can move forward as His disciple. Fear has so long paralyzed me, but He has brought and is bringing me into a place where I can move through that to the other side...all because He's shown Himself trustworthy and faithful.

Part of this came out of being at the artists' conference. While there, they talked a lot about authenticity and part of being authentic as an artist means developing your gift and being good at whatever your craft is. So far, I have just coasted on my natural giftings because I've been afraid to step out and develop my gifts for fear of failure. Now that I see that fear for what it is, and God is bigger. My desire to become more of who God has made me to be is greater than the fear because God is greater...and as long as my eyes are locked on Him, I won't sink. (Mt. 14:30)

Jesus, I pray that you would increase my faith, so that as I accept your invitation out of the boat onto the water, I wouldn't doubt, but keep my eyes locked on you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Good Gifts

When it comes to other people's lives, I am the ultimate optimist & encourager. When it comes to my own life, I struggle to believe that God wants to give good gifts. Recently I was at an InterVarsity conference for artists. It was WONDERFUL! It was so great to be in a community of people that was so open, loving, and real. It was also a wonderful freedom for me as an artist...a freedom just to be.

I went into the conference with great anticipation. It seemed clear that God had a purpose and plan for me to be there and he had called me to fast just before the conference started, so I knew He was up to something. At first, being immersed in a community of artists was like being in a new culture, but soon I loved it. We began the conference talking about what it means to be authentic as an artist. For me, it spoke beyond just me as an artist, but God was at work in me as an artist, too. I began to feel God's call to bring the artist in me into things...and slowly, but steadily I began to get more and more frustrated as the week went on...and then I got angry.

At this point you might be thinking, "whoa. wait. what just happened." Good question. It took me a while to figure it out too. As I processed & prayed I realized I was upset about God doing so many things in my life at once and I didn't understand how they all fit together. I felt pressure to choose between the good things God had been doing in my life (staff work, a relationship, and the art stuff) because I didn't understand why he was doing them all at the same time. Eventually I realized it was a distrust of God. I didn't trust that all these things and His timing good be good gifts. (and this distrust was not something new). Eventually I decided, okay, I'm going to choose to believe that all these things are good gifts and continue moving forward, trusting God to show me the way. Then God revealed another element...

I shared this experience with a staff friend of mine and he and I prayed. During this prayer time I realized my posture towards God was one of closed hands. I didn't want to receive gifts from God...for some reason I was afraid to. That afternoon I attended a modern dance workshop where we did a form of dancing prayer. I was in a group of four people: one person was the one being prayed for and the other three people represented the Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. Basically, you couldn't talk during the few minutes you were praying for each person, you could only express your prayer through movement. So, I started the prayer with my fists closed and the other three people tried to express and interact with me the prayer that was on their hearts for me. I kept wanting 'God' to open my hands, but they weren't.

THEN IT HIT ME. If I wanted me hands to be open, I had to open them. God wasn't going to force my hands open, I had to be willing to open them to receive.

God, continue to help me understand why it's so difficult to open my hands to receive your good gifts and give me the courage to open my hands. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Okay to Be Me

It wasn't until recently that I've realized just how much what people (particularly ones I look up to or care about me most) think about the things I do. I'm so worried about doing something wrong or doing something so that someone will reject me somehow that I can so easily live under the power of what people are thinking or what I think they might be thinking.

It's not good because I expend so much energy trying to be what I think I should be so that others will accept me that I become sort of like the tin man...all actions, no heart. I lose myself, my personality, the uniqueness & giftings that make me who I am.

To a degree it's why decisions are so difficult for me to make. I'm so worried about what others will think (or what God thinks) that I can't move until I feel I have their support or I have a very clear direction from the Lord. And sometimes even when I know what God wants me to do I have a hard time doing it.

Recently I was in a dating relationship and because of this very weakness (and other factors), I questioned and subsequently lost a huge part of who I am. In particular, I've been learning this year about the different ways people hear from God and a central place for learning that was in this relationship. Because this other person didn't seem to understand some of the ways I interact and hear from the Lord, I began to question whether what I had known for so long in my relationship with Him was actually true. This went so far that at some point along the way I made an agreement with Satan that the way I interact with the Lord wasn't valid. I realized this on Monday night, and through tears I repented to the Lord and renounced that lie I had believed. For the first time in weeks, maybe months I returned to the conversational & intimate relationship with the Lord that is so natural. The next morning I awoke with peace in my heart I hadn't felt in weeks or months, and I have felt freedom. Freedom to be who God has created me to be. Freedom from the constant battle in my mind trying to figure out what is the right thing to do to be accepted. I am accepted. (Romans 15:7)

...lately, because of this struggle, I've been asking myself, "What do I like?" I'm so ruled by what I think others think that I have to ask myself that question to try to get beyond those initial mental entanglements. I'm finding that it's a battle every day, sometimes multiple times a day to choose to be myself, instead of the self ruled by others thoughts (or just assumed thoughts). Just this past weekend I decided I wanted to cut my hair short and die it...soon after the battle ensued of wondering what others would think...whether God thought it was okay...etc. But on Monday, realizing the agreement I had made, and being set free from that, I asked the Lord, "Is it okay to cut my hair short?" And I talked with Him about why I want to do it...I was just honest with Him. He seemed to say it was okay and wanted me to know that cutting my hair was an outward change, but the inward change is what He cares about. It may sound silly...(and just to clarify, I don't hear audibly from God...it's more of a sense in my spirit)...but it was so freeing just to discuss it with him and ask his approval. It was the first step in learning to say the things that I think and feel regardless of what others (including God) might think. It's so crazy that I'm so afraid of being rejected even by God over even the smallest things, that I'll just say nothing at all and be in turmoil about it for days, weeks even sometimes.

Through this process I'm also starting to own who I am in a new way: my personality, my giftings, my calling. In the past I've seen others gifted in different ways and I've felt bad that I can't do what they do. But the truth is, God made me this way for a reason...and I'm going to accept the way He made me and start to believe that it's good. I'm not perfect by any means, but that doesn't mean I'm bad...and just because I'm not gifted in every way doesn't mean I'm lacking. It means I have to work harder in some areas or it means God's going to put people in my life to help in those areas. I'm exactly who I am on purpose, and I'm going to stop apologizing for that, and instead live as if its true as much as I can. I'm not a mistake. I'm a daughter of God, chosen, accepted, before time began to be exactly where I am right now. How cool is that?

--Morgan

Melons

So, in about a month I'll be moving back to Iowa where I'll be going back on staff with IV. If you would have said I would be doing this a year ago, I would have told you that you were a liar. But I am, I'm going. When they first offered me the choice of going to KC or to Iowa for IV, I was upset (to put it mildly). God, didn't I already make the decision not to be in Iowa? But then I thought about it and realized that God had worked through all the reasons I'd left and they weren't valid anymore. And it spoke so much of Him and the gospel to go back. So I decided I would go. And I was okay with that...for a while. While I still had peace I'd made the right decision, I began to struggle with leaving my community in St. Louis...

And I continued to struggle until this past week, when I traveled to spend time at the college and in the town I'll be working at. While I was there, God slowly softened my heart towards Cedar Rapids, and in the midst of it, he reminded me of melons.

The Israelites were enslaved in Egypt for something like 400 years. They cried out to God to help them get out of slavery, and he delivered. Not only did he deliver, but he did it in style, doing miraculous signs and wonders like the world had never seen. He marches them right out of Egypt, their pockets full of treasure the Egyptians just handed over as they walked, unhindered out of Egypt. And he promised them He would lead them to a land flowing with milk & honey, where he would provide in abundance everything they need and bless them so that they would bless other people. And, in the climax of the story, he leads to a place where they seem to be trapped between the Egyptian army & a body of water, only for God, in dramatic fashion, to part the body of water so they could walk through to the other side in enough time to drown the Egyptian army.

After all that, the Israelites start their journey to the Promised Land. And it wasn't long before they started complaining...At one point in their journey, they go so far as to imply they'd rather go back to Egypt than go through the journey. And why, do you ask, do they want to go back to Egypt?

melons.

Look it up. Numbers 11:5. The Isrealites had been in slavery in Egypt, and now they wanted to go back because of...melons? They were ready to return back to slavery because it's what they knew. They had lost sight of God's promise for something so much better! Freedom & blessing if only they would believe His promise & be obedient to follow & listen to Him.

My struggle with leaving St. Louis was in part about melons. God has promised something more...more of him, more ability to bless other people, blessing from following him obediently...if only I'll turn my eyes toward what's ahead.

God, bring to mind melons every time I get scared & unsure of the journey. Remind me of what's ahead and give me courage to turn my eyes toward you and that promise. In Jesus' name, amen.