Thought of the day...

I need to stop apologizing for being me.

what image am I bearing?

For months now I've felt empty. On the outside I've been doing all the right thing and saying the things that I think I'm supposed to, but on the inside, I've just been...empty. I know that part of this is because I spent 6 weeks trying to be someone I wasn't. I was trying to be my head's version of a "good staff worker" instead of being a staff worker out of who God has created me to be.

"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:15-16)

Before God created the world, he had me in mind. He knew what I would look like down to the number of hairs on my head, who my parents would be, that I would be born 1,985 years after Christ's birth, and that I would have the heart of an artist. He had a plan in mind for my life before I was a figment in anyone's imagination but His. And part of His plan was that I would be an InterVarsity staff worker at Coe College in Cedar Rapids, IA.

At this point, you might be asking, "why did she just say all that?" Here's why. 1 Corinthians 12:21 says, " The eye cannot say tot he hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" God designed each one of us uniquely, but even more amazingly, He created us so that we would all complement each other. We all need each other's gifts at any given time or in any given place. This is something I had forgotten.

I struggle with wanting approval. For the longest time in my life I would become whatever I thought I needed to be in order to get approval. Occasionally (and more frequently) I find places where I am able to be my true self (the self God intended me to be), whether because that is what is called for by those around me, or when people call it out of me. The thing is, all that time I was trying to be something I wasn't, I was actually sinning against God. Why?

Well, God created us in His image and to bring glory to himself. I am created in some unique way to be an image bearer of God. Some of that I learn from sanctification, but some of it is inherently a part of me. I can't ever be exactly the same as someone else. It's impossible (trust me, I've tried. It's excruciating). When we try, we lose life God intended for us. We're living a lie. We also fail to bring glory to God because we're not being or doing the very thing(s) God created us for that bring glory to Him.

Today someone said to me, "When you smile & have joy, you radiate. I saw that today, but lately I haven't seen it in you. Has something been going on in your life?"

The answer is, yes. I've forsaken myself and my God. Why? Because I let myself believe that who I am isn't good. And I want so desparately to be good!...to be approved. In the process life leaked out of me in great measures and what I offered to those around me was an empty shell instead of radiant life.

I will return to You my God. And find my life once again in You. Fill me up. Give me a drink only You can give: one of living water. Fill me up so that I can overflow Your life to those around me and feel again what everlasting life and joy is like. In Jesus' name, Amen.