It wasn't until recently that I've realized just how much what people (particularly ones I look up to or care about me most) think about the things I do. I'm so worried about doing something wrong or doing something so that someone will reject me somehow that I can so easily live under the power of what people are thinking or what I think they might be thinking.
It's not good because I expend so much energy trying to be what I think I should be so that others will accept me that I become sort of like the tin man...all actions, no heart. I lose myself, my personality, the uniqueness & giftings that make me who I am.
To a degree it's why decisions are so difficult for me to make. I'm so worried about what others will think (or what God thinks) that I can't move until I feel I have their support or I have a very clear direction from the Lord. And sometimes even when I know what God wants me to do I have a hard time doing it.
Recently I was in a dating relationship and because of this very weakness (and other factors), I questioned and subsequently lost a huge part of who I am. In particular, I've been learning this year about the different ways people hear from God and a central place for learning that was in this relationship. Because this other person didn't seem to understand some of the ways I interact and hear from the Lord, I began to question whether what I had known for so long in my relationship with Him was actually true. This went so far that at some point along the way I made an agreement with Satan that the way I interact with the Lord wasn't valid. I realized this on Monday night, and through tears I repented to the Lord and renounced that lie I had believed. For the first time in weeks, maybe months I returned to the conversational & intimate relationship with the Lord that is so natural. The next morning I awoke with peace in my heart I hadn't felt in weeks or months, and I have felt freedom. Freedom to be who God has created me to be. Freedom from the constant battle in my mind trying to figure out what is the right thing to do to be accepted. I am accepted. (Romans 15:7)
...lately, because of this struggle, I've been asking myself, "What do I like?" I'm so ruled by what I think others think that I have to ask myself that question to try to get beyond those initial mental entanglements. I'm finding that it's a battle every day, sometimes multiple times a day to choose to be myself, instead of the self ruled by others thoughts (or just assumed thoughts). Just this past weekend I decided I wanted to cut my hair short and die it...soon after the battle ensued of wondering what others would think...whether God thought it was okay...etc. But on Monday, realizing the agreement I had made, and being set free from that, I asked the Lord, "Is it okay to cut my hair short?" And I talked with Him about why I want to do it...I was just honest with Him. He seemed to say it was okay and wanted me to know that cutting my hair was an outward change, but the inward change is what He cares about. It may sound silly...(and just to clarify, I don't hear audibly from God...it's more of a sense in my spirit)...but it was so freeing just to discuss it with him and ask his approval. It was the first step in learning to say the things that I think and feel regardless of what others (including God) might think. It's so crazy that I'm so afraid of being rejected even by God over even the smallest things, that I'll just say nothing at all and be in turmoil about it for days, weeks even sometimes.
Through this process I'm also starting to own who I am in a new way: my personality, my giftings, my calling. In the past I've seen others gifted in different ways and I've felt bad that I can't do what they do. But the truth is, God made me this way for a reason...and I'm going to accept the way He made me and start to believe that it's good. I'm not perfect by any means, but that doesn't mean I'm bad...and just because I'm not gifted in every way doesn't mean I'm lacking. It means I have to work harder in some areas or it means God's going to put people in my life to help in those areas. I'm exactly who I am on purpose, and I'm going to stop apologizing for that, and instead live as if its true as much as I can. I'm not a mistake. I'm a daughter of God, chosen, accepted, before time began to be exactly where I am right now. How cool is that?
--Morgan
